Great answers to the trickiest questions with bestselling parenting expert Dr Miriam Stoppard.
Children are naturally curious and begin asking questions about themselves, their world and the things they hear around age two. Some are straightforward to answer. But others are far more challenging. From sex and death to religion and relationships. Dr Miriam Stoppard offers guidance on how to answer the most difficult questions in a way that your child will be able to understand.
Drawing from extensive research in child development and specifically on what children can handle at each age. Dr Miriam Stoppard will give you a foundation on which to build your own answers as your child’s understanding expands.
Miriam Stoppard is a doctor, businesswoman and writer. In 1998 she was elected a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. In addition to two Honorary Doctorates of Science, she has an Honorary Doctorate of Law. She has written over eighty books on family health, women’s health, nutrition, sex and health for older people. She writes a daily page for The Mirror and in 2008 received the prestigious Stonewall Journalist of the Year award. In 2010 she received an OBE for her services to healthcare and charity.
For Ol, Barney, Will, Ed,
Oona, Slater and Tiberio
WRITING THIS BOOK has been prompted by many things, the first being my belief that children must be told the truth. This is the parents’ dilemma:
When facing a sensitive question, you may wish to give a truthful response but feel that your children aren’t ready for the details. You’d be right on both counts; but instead of copping out, or giving a sanitized version, you can opt to provide the amount of truth your child can deal with. Children are naturally curious. From the moment they can formulate questions – at about two years of age – they will continue to bombard their parents with ‘Why?’, ‘What?’, ‘Where?’ and ‘How?’ But it is one thing to find an answer to ‘How do cars work?’ It is quite another if the question is, ‘Where did I come from?’ Telling the truth means starting with simple facts, and building in more complex information as your child grows up. For instance, few children can cope with the mechanics of sex before the age of eight; some will be much older before they’re ready, a few younger. It’s confusing to burden your child with sophisticated explanations when simpler ones would satisfy. When a child is mentally and emotionally ready for information, it’s never embarrassing to give it. Your child desperately wants to learn, and is eager for clarifications of mystery and confusion. To respond to a child so concentrated should dispel most parents’ diffidence, so timing is crucial.
Many parents believe that in tackling the facts of life, the genders must be segregated so Dad handles the boys and Mum the girls. This seems the natural order of things, but it carries little conviction if one parent is easy-going and the other is uptight. If you put yourself in your child’s position, it’s clearly best that the parent who is comfortable answering children’s questions should shoulder the responsibility regardless of gender. To me, keeping the channels of communication open throughout childhood and into adolescence is one of the most important roles of parents, and it is parents who must make the effort, not children. Who else would you want your children to turn to when they need information, help, advice and counsel? Yet parents continue to be flabbergasted when, as teenagers, their children become introspective, uncommunicative and dismissive. While some adolescent mood changes are inevitable, children whose early questions have been ignored or deflected are more likely to cut themselves off from their parents when really difficult questions arise.
Parents whose responses are shifty or furtive when faced with controversial questions not only make it difficult to raise subjects like race, sex, religion or drugs within the family but, worse, encourage their children to be furtive themselves. Parents who are open, responsive and frank encourage self-esteem, balance and fairness in their children and give them the space to think, weigh up options, decide and act responsibly. This healthy dialogue between parents and children has to begin early – from the very first question – and should continue throughout the time they are at home. That is why the answers I suggest start at the earliest age a child may begin asking questions. You are your children’s first educators, and all their learning – including sex education – starts at home.
Parents find themselves wondering if information, especially about sex, drugs and the internet, can harm their children, and hold back for fear that giving facts could encourage them to experiment. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s children who don’t have information who explore and experiment dangerously. Contrary to what many people fear, children who have been given information about sex are not prurient, don’t focus on sex or embark on early experimentation, but keep it in perspective as a normal part of life. There is plenty of research to show that good sex education does not encourage irresponsible behaviour; in fact, it does the exact opposite. Parents make it impossible for a child to act responsibly if they withhold information; this applies equally to other subjects that are generally seen as controversial, such as drugs, alcohol and smoking, or issues of potential prejudice, such as racial or religious differences. Since the first edition of this book, much has changed. Parents have to think about whether their child should own a mobile phone or be allowed access to the internet. We are all still learning about the best way to use these resources effectively and safely, and open dialogue with your child is an essential part of this.
No one, however, can assume that being frank and honest is always easy. There are undoubtedly going to be difficult moments when words are hard to find and explanations are fugitive. That is why I felt it would be worth writing this book: not to supply advice by rote but to give a framework on which you can build your own answers as your child’s understanding expands. I have given answers that are suitable for four age bands: ages 2–4, 4–6, 6–8 and 8–ll. But none of these bands is definitive. Children advance and learn at different rates, so look on the bands as a guide – depending on the subject, a very bright girl of three-and-a-half might understand the answers in band 4–6, while a socially immature boy of nine might be better served by the answers in the band for 6–8 year-olds. I’ve also written my answers so that they are suitable for both boys and girls, and to emphasize this I have alternated the sex of the child being referred to in my background information question by question, except where for obvious reasons the topics are specifically aimed at girls or boys.
As you read the answers to big questions like, ‘Where did I come from?’ (see here), you’ll see that the answers for successive age bands become more detailed and complex. If an older child asks a question for the first time, or an alternative version of it, you can give all the preceding information, as well as what’s in the answer for your child’s own age band. The aim is to choose what you need from the different bands to help you provide clear answers within what you judge to be the scope of your child’s understanding, depending on age and maturity.
It would be wise, I think, for all but the most self-possessed parent to read over all the background information presented on the topic, including the cross-references. Not that you need to give it all in your answers, but it may enable you to answer more confidently if you understand the possible motivation behind your child’s line of questioning. This is particularly important for issues of child protection, where you may need to recognize the danger signals behind your child’s inquiries. Equally, it could help you to defuse challenging questions from children who may have picked up half-truths in the playground. It may even enable you to be clearer in your own mind on some subjects if you read the text before formulating an answer for your child.
To no child is my whole answer necessary. Pick and choose; discard and invent; reject and create. Use examples that are well known to your family in constructing answers; for instance, when describing a certain length of time to a young child, relate it to the time between family events such as birthdays and holidays. Lard your answers with what you felt and did when you were a child, and you will become more approachable, understanding and sympathetic in their eyes.
Try to see answering each of your child’s questions as an opportunity to teach – not in any formal way, but the kind of teaching that every parent can pass on to a child well before they go to school: the lessons of kindness, tolerance, justice and generosity. We can socialize our children when they’re very young – instilling in them everything from table manners to sexual awareness and moral values. Children have in place a clear understanding of these values (or their opposites) long before they reach the age of five, which means that you as parents are your child’s most important teacher and friend – and always will be if you start off right. These are roles and responsibilities you can’t refuse. And of course all the effort is worth it because what comes back is trust, respect and love. I know of few other ways of earning these precious gifts from our children. Every time you look your children straight in the eye, speak with sincerity and give an honest answer, you bond with them, and those bonds can be life-long.
What’s puberty? 
How does the baby get in there? Can men have babies? What’s IVF? Why have I got a penis? How are babies made? What is a period? How can you tell if someone is gay? What’s a womb? Why was I born?
ALL CHILDREN ARE curious about themselves and where they came from. At the same time, they have become aware of their own bodies from infancy and soon register the difference between the sexes. As they grow older, it becomes increasingly difficult to shield them from sexual ideas in the media, and the result of all this is that they will inevitably ask questions about sex. Like many parents, you may dread these questions arising, but try not to duck the issue because you are embarrassed. Sex may have been a ‘no-go’ topic in your family, but your young children haven’t been programmed as you were. Their interest is innocent, arising out of their natural curiosity and a desire to learn, and answering their questions honestly and sympathetically is a way of loving and respecting them. Use the answers here to help you to respond to questions about sex truthfully, but in a way that is appropriate to your particular child’s age and maturity, bearing in mind that few children below the age of eight can understand the mechanics of sex. Always try to include love, emotions, feelings and values in any discussion that involves sex; combined with honesty and openness, these will help your children to go on to develop self-control and judgment about their own personal sexual behaviour when they are older.
How are babies made? Why was I born? Did a stork bring me? What is IVF? What is pregnant? How does the baby get in there?
THIS IS FREQUENTLY the first question a small child ever asks about the facts of life. In an older child, it’s a sign that he’s beginning to have some understanding of his uniqueness as a person, but after the age of six the question may rapidly be superseded by the more knowing, ‘What is sex?’
The world of a young child is very self-centred and a simple answer will satisfy his curiosity. Questions often arise when you tell your child that you are expecting another baby, and this is a crucial time to be ready to answer questions about sex, reproduction and the development of a pregnancy.
If you aren’t pregnant, but an older child begins to ask questions like these, it may be because he has seen something about babies at school, on TV or in a book. Children over the age of six are genuinely interested in these quite profound questions.
With increasing age your child needs answers of increasing complexity, but without extraneous detail. Try to use words your child already understands so no further explanation is necessary.
Remember that children are very literal. If you talk about planting a seed, they will ask you how you water it and what colour the flower will be!
Although very young children usually accept simple explanations at face value, children over five or six often react with a ‘Yuk!’ on first hearing about anything sexual. This is a clear sign that they can’t take any more detail and in fact it is very healthy, so change the subject and try another approach next time.
OTHER THINGS YOU MAY BE ASKED…
| Age | |
| 2–4 | You were made in your Mummy’s tummy and you grew in there safely until it was time for you to be born. |
| 4–6 | You weren’t brought by a stork – that’s just a story. Like all babies, you were made from a seed from Daddy and an egg from Mummy. Daddy’s seed and Mummy’s egg joined together in Mummy’s tummy to make you, so you’re very special – and a lovely mixture of Daddy and Mummy |
| 6–8 | Daddy’s seed, which are called sperm, are made in his testes, which are inside the special bag of skin, called a scrotum, hanging behind his penis. Millions of tiny sperm are being made there all the time and they are mixed with a white liquid called semen. Mummy’s eggs grow inside her body in two egg-makers called ovaries. Every month Mummy’s ovaries make an egg. When Mummy and Daddy made you, semen from Daddy’s penis carried the sperm into Mummy’s womb. One of the millions of sperm joined up with Mummy’s egg to start a new baby – which was you. |
| 8–11 | You are here because Mum and Dad love one another and wanted to have a baby. To make a baby, Dad put his penis into Mum’s vagina during sexual intercourse, and semen containing millions and millions of sperm – about 20 million sperm in 1 millilitre of semen – travelled up the vagina and through the womb, in the lower part of Mum’s tummy, to join the egg. The scientific names for the egg and the womb are ‘ovum’ and ‘uterus’. The sperm swam very fast by lashing their long tails. To make sure the baby would be strong and healthy, only the fastest sperm joined up with the ovum to create the beginning of a new baby – which was you. While a baby is growing in the uterus, a woman is said to be ‘pregnant’. It takes about nine months (forty weeks) for a baby to grow big enough to be born. Men can’t have babies because they don’t have proper wombs. Whether a baby is a boy or a girl depends on which sperm joins the egg, because some make boys and others girls. IVF means in-vitro fertilization and it’s what we did to help get you. Sometimes the egg or sperm don’t work very well, and they need help to make a baby, and doctors can help people to do that. It took us a long time to make you and we feel very lucky. |
How does the baby live in your tummy? Why doesn’t it fall out? What can the baby do in your tummy? How does it breathe in your tummy? What does it eat?
CHILDREN ARE INTRIGUED by the way a new baby develops in the womb – once they know it’s there, they are just as fascinated by its progress as adults are. If you are expecting a new baby, you can help your older children share the experience as soon as the questions arise. Give them as much information as possible at every stage of the pregnancy, at the right level for their age and understanding.
A small child is simply trying to get a fix on a baby who’s apparently locked away inside someone’s body: it may be an addition to your family, or that of a friend – or your child may just have noticed a heavily pregnant woman in the supermarket, say, or at the doctor’s.
These questions often go hand in hand with those on the previous pages, particularly, ‘How does the baby get in there?’ Young children are quite satisfied with a simple answer. An older child will be curious about the things that particularly interest him – like what the baby eats or drinks, whether it can breathe, see or hear. Children over six may have begun to learn about these things at school and will be keen to apply their own knowledge to this unseen person.
Talk about a forthcoming new baby all the time as ‘your baby’, so that your child can feel that the new baby belongs just as much to him, but is shared with you as parents. This will help to instil a feeling of protection and ownership before the baby is born.
Choose a name together as a family.
Let your child feel the baby kick, and take your child with you to antenatal check-ups so that he can hear the heart beat or see the ultrasound scan as well.
OTHER THINGS YOU MAY BE ASKED…
| Age | |
| 2–4 | Your baby has its own nest in Mummy’s tummy. It is very warm, cosy and dark, and the baby is safe and happy |
| 4–6 | Your baby grows in a special bag, called a womb, which is inside Mummy’s tummy. It can’t fall out because the bottom of the womb stays tight shut until the baby’s ready to be born. Your baby is so happy, it kicks, sucks its thumb, opens and closes its eyes, or listens to the gurgles in Mummy’s tummy. And sometimes it rests. |
| 6–8 | When the baby in the womb is a month old it is the size of your thumb nail. By the time the baby is six weeks old its heart is beating and its brain is forming too. The baby’s arms and legs start from little buds and by 12 weeks the baby will have fingers and toes and look like a tiny human, but it’s only about the length of my forefinger. It takes a long time – nine whole months – for a baby to grow big enough to be born. It doesn’t need to eat, drink or breathe because food and oxygen come to it through a special tube attached to its tummy, and connected to its mother in the womb. |
| 8–11 | When a father’s sperm first joins a mother’s ovum the baby is the size of a pinhead, but it only takes about three months in the uterus for it to begin to look like a real baby: during these early weeks the baby goes through stages where it seems to have gill like a fish, and a little tail like a monkey: these are thought to be signs that humans evolved from sea creatures and then from apes. The baby’s food and drink come from the mother’s blood and reach the baby through the umbilical cord. You can see on your tummy where your cord was when you were inside Mum’s uterus. The cord leads to a part of the uterus called the placenta where the baby’s and mother’s blood meet, so the baby takes in food and oxygen and gets rid of waste, such as carbon dioxide. |
How does the baby know when to be born? Does a doctor get the baby out? Where does the baby come out? What happens when the baby is born?
CHILDREN ARE AS fascinated as adults by the process of birth, but they’ll have little or no idea of how it all works. The younger they are, the more accepting they are of simple explanations, but if you are having your baby in hospital and your child is not accompanying you, you need to be clear about when your child can visit and when you and the baby will be coming home.
All children try to guess how the baby will come out – small children think that perhaps a mother will ‘unzip’! Older children are interested in the mechanics of birth and may ask to see the hole where the baby comes out. Some children may well have seen animals such as puppies or lambs being born, possibly on television, and they may want to know if it is the same for humans. Older children who have some knowledge of human biology may also want to know whether birth hurts the mother, and how it affects the baby.
Try to be as accurate as possible, particularly if you are the parents-to-be. If you’ve decided to have your baby in hospital, entailing an enforced absence from your older child or children, it is important to let them know that you are not going to disappear forever, and that the time before they can see you again will be short. That’s why it’s worth running through the stages of labour with your child so she has an idea of what will be happening when, and will understand that it could take a little while. Whether the questions arise because you or someone close to your child is pregnant, or whether the subject comes up simply from curiosity, use the illustrations in a pregnancy manual to help explain what happens. Try not to alarm your child with talk of pain and long labours.
If you are expecting a new baby, it’s really helpful to take your child to see a pet cat or dog that has just given birth to kittens or puppies, if you know of one. When you go into labour, make it clear to your child that she can come and see you and her new baby as soon as possible after the birth, if she wants to.